As I write this post, we experience our first snowy days of this winter here in Slovakia. The weather is freezing cold and the whole atmosphere makes me just so happy. I enjoy long walks with Rufus almost daily. We discover new routes and explore the city – we’ve been living in for about five years – from a new perspective. I find joy in bundling myself up at home afterwards, watching movies I’ve never seen as well as those I love to rewatch with a warm cup of tea and a large burning candle. I rebuild my morning and evening routines, take a good care of my skin, drink a lot of water and transform my little bathroom into a calming spa almost every night. And sometimes in the mornings too.
On one hand it’s because I’m truly a Fall/Winter person but on the other, some events of last moths of 2020 gave me a lesson on enjoying my basic day-to-day life and being happy about the smallest things. And I’ve learned the hard way.
2020 was an awful year for so many of us and I’m aware that some people would find my struggle petty, however, we all fight our own battles. Mine starts back in 2016 – the year I believed will never happen again. But here I was, four years later experiencing almost the same shit as the last time. This time, however, worse.
Since late summer of 2020 I experienced some health issues that started as physical but developed into a paralyzing anxiety and panic attacks I had to deal with and no one could help.
I was seeing different doctors, went to different examinations (including a MRI to see if there’s a tumor in my head). I don’t feel like sharing many details but believe me, it is a scary condition! At this moment, I still don’t have all the answers and I cannot see the full picture of what’s really going on, I know enough for me to significantly calm down and find a way to help myself without a doctor, who is now needed elsewhere.
The fear I experienced, however, is unimaginable even for me at this moment. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me again after four carefree years. In the past months I’ve been to the darkest places of my mind. I’ve experienced some terrible feelings and thoughts. I made myself believe that I won’t get the chance to live the rest of my life.
Remembering it and going back makes me really uneasy. Yet still I am grateful.
Maybe I needed this to get back on track. To wake up every day grateful – or wake up grateful for every day. To appreciate the smallest and simplest things in life. To find the fulfillment and epicness in the ordinary. To take it one day at a time.
And that’s why especially this winter, while also being in another lockdown, I want to stay present and live in the moment. It’s not automatic and sometimes I honestly need to remind myself of what’s really important – because at the end of the day, we’re all just humans.
Everyone got their lesson. And I’m sure this was the lesson from 2020 for me. And I really needed it so bad! So I just try to live my life every day thankful for all that’s been and all that is right now. I didn’t start the year excited for what’s to come as usually, nor did I claim it to be “my year”. I don’t expect much from the following months and I really want to focus on myself and what’s the best for me. I want to concentrate on my daily small steps made intentionally and mindfully. And I want to stay present.