There’s so many things I’d like to say to you. So many thoughts in my mind. It may be caused by the fact that I haven’t published a blog post for ages as well as because I haven’t posted ANYTHING for what seems to be about the same long period of time. A lot has changed – for better or for worse – and so many things in my life are very different from what they used to be. I don’t mean to sound dramatic but it’s true and I’m sure many of you experience something similar especially this year as well. For me the last two years were by far the worst I’ve experienced. I lived the hardest days, the hardest fears, losses, cries, health issues and last but definitely not least the hardest personal financial crises. And most of these were not connected to the corona situation. I just went through a solid amount of shit that I initially thought I’d talk about at the end of this year. However, I realized I don’t need to wait for the end of December to find the relief because I could pretty much wait forever.
I screwed up, I won’t be lying. And I’m not blaming myself for everything that happened but I know a little too well that it was me who made a series of pretty unfortunate decisions. And thinking about it I couldn’t be more grateful for those tho stood by me all the time I was trying to fix all the mess. Especially for my husband. But now it’s time for me to get up, fix my bun (for I don’t wear ponytails even though that would probably sound better) and finally get my life together!
I know I need to do so many steps towards having it all sorted out and of course I’m afraid I’ll lose the motivation but I cannot wait anymore. I need to take charge instead of waiting for things to get better themselves. I like to say – and a lot of time it works surprisingly quickly – that things tend to solve themselves. As much as they do, in some cases you need to work on your part and take the necessary steps.
And even though I’d like to have a list of things I need to do I still have to figure everything out. I need to take it one day at a time. No deadlines and no strict plans, just a firm vision of what I’d like my life to be at the end of this journey. And a lot of self love, self forgiveness and being kind to myself because that’s what I need.
I’ve tired it the other way so many times before and it never worked. I tried being tough on myself, sticking to a crazy-ass plans, chasing a non-existing reality and failing every damn time. With blogging for example. I let myself feel the way I need to make blogging my living one day and the more I was trying the more this goal moved away from me. I forgot about the simple joy and excitement of creating a blog post. I forgot everything about the process and let the online world full of so called influencers ruin my initial love for writing and creating my content. But of course it’s not the only part of my life I need to sort and figure out!
One of the main problems I was eventually able to define so far is realizing that life is not a competition. It’s such a cliche that I often said but never really understood or actually felt, if that makes sense. The truth is that I’ve always compared myself to others – mostly people my age – and searched for things I was longing for that they already had. And it only made me feel behind in life. Burned out, unmotivated and incapable of standing behind my own decision. Lost and overall disappointed by the life I was living.
It was also the hardest part to understand that everyone is doing things at their own pace and in the time that is right for them. Because at the end of the day the only things that actually matter are your health & health of your beloved ones and the people that hold your back.
I really don’t want this post to sound negative! I hope it doesn’t, because for me it’s full of hope and expectations. And determination. For me there’s no other option than things getting better day by day.
I’ve experienced couple of days without feeling the smallest sign of joy – me, the person who used to get excited from the tiniest blessings like growing new leaves on my plants or smelling the snow in the air. For me those days without any pleasure of this kind were just a pure misery. But now, in the past few weeks, I was finally able to experience it all again. The excitement of the fall coming to our lives again, the smell of rain, the unbearable happiness of buying a new planner. All those small feelings that I missed so much! They’re back with me and I want to protect them and hold them by my heart so tight they never leave.
So… that’s what I wanted to let you know. That I’m fine. And I’m back at creating for my pleasure rather than for any kind of material profit or recognition. If it comes, great! If not, great as well. Whatever happens, now I know what I want my life to be like and I’d love to share more about it as we go.